LOVE LIFE....GOD's precious gift...:)

Here I am...post birthday celebration...and STILL in 1 piece...:P thank god for one of the islands...AMEN for the beach and the pool....which...mamak boy (who was in tow..) couldnt get enuff of..! XD My li'l socialite in the making has started early...his pickup line sounds something like this..

" Hi...my name's Affan Najiy...(and he quickly starts spelling it..coz he easily gets irritated by peepz mispronouncing it...OR...worse yet...calling him 'abang or adik' or somewhere along those lines) so he goes..A-F-F-A-N...and I speak English...!"
and tops it off with that cute endearing smile...and...he nails it EVERY time! :P all those kids and their parents just get suckered in...and he gets them eating out of his hands!

What have I learned in my 36 years of existance..? Due to the most recent developments..not to come across bitter or anything...YES...I HAD to learn the hard way...It wouldnt be Sara if it was otherwise, would it? :P

'life's a bitch....cause she's forever PMS-ing..' (yes Mr Muttley...you're right...and I'm NOT gonna reaffirm that-FORGET IT!)
BUT...on hindsight...'Live and Learn'...(Yes Nilly...you're right too..)You learn...you bleed...you cry....YOU LEARN...(Yes...Ms Alanis Morisette knows her stuff!)'No regrets', 'Live and Let Die..', 'No One Lives Forever..', 'Come What May..', 'Carpe Diem' (still my personal favorite)

Anyhow...I've been having this scene replaying over and over again in my mind's eyes..its THE last scene from 'My Best Friend's Wedding'...its where Julia Roberts character was sitting all by herself and strumming her fingers on the table at her best friend's wedding reception...after finally saying her goodbyes to him...and she gets a call from Rupert Everett's gay character, George...and he says...something like...
"There might not be love...and god forbid....there might not be sex...
but there will be DANCING..!"

It makes perfect sense...whatever life leads you...you make the best of it...your life is how it should be...embrace it...just make sure you dont trample over some peepz hearts and feelings while doing so...cause THATS gonna cost ya sometime in the future...what goes around comes around...(Ms Alicia Keyes and JT sang about it...and its damn true...)

Heres TO LIFE....cheers! Yammmm....!! :P

P.S.

my utmost gratitude Dee...hugzzz....:)

P.S.S

I would also like to extend my apologies to everyone that I might have hurt or trampled on...was never my intentions to do so...MY BAD! It took me 36 years to see things clearly...I'm a friggin slow learner...what can I say..?? :P

H-O-P-E....? OR L-O-V-E...?? (THE SEQUEL-A PERSONAL NOTE)

While waiting for mamak boy to come home...I had ample time to sit back and reminisce the weekend...it was a weekend that I had been looking forward to...AND had been constantly reminded by a certain someone...who...had gone into the habit of counting down the days TO Friday..:P AND...not forgetting providing a particular sound effect that added significant suspense to the entire thing...(Daymmmnn babe....) I had been thoughtfully enquired regarding my needs and wants for the weekend...which I found extremely sweet...:)

Anyhow...It was nice to have a stress-free weekend...FINALLY....after all the build up...the theme was free and easy...and it DEFINITELY was...thanx to the host with the mostest...ALTHOUGH...I definitely wanted to unleash some ass kicking after I nearly got into a stranger's car...courtesy of a certain someone who had been feeding me a different image of himself! Just goes to show how naive i can get at times URGHHHH...Nevertheless...I've been made aware of how vulnerable and trusting I can be in the past...I blame it totally on my passionate heart....ever passsionate to discover a genuine connection with another person...ESPECIALLY, a person that matters to me...

Consequently....I'm hoping beyond hope...the SEXY person is satisfactory of what have been mentioned...(THERE!! I've put it in black and white..! happy now...?? :P)My apologies if my questions made you uncomfortable...but thats what we are...straightforward all the way...

Anyways...like whats transpired and mentioned...we're not getting any younger...'beating around the bush' is passe....its like what you read out loud to me from the Paolo Coelho novel...(which I enjoyed immensely..) love requires a total surrender...and I for one...am willing to meet halfway....I mean...wasnt the weekend proof enough..? :P

H-O-P-E..? OR....L-O-V-E....?

Here I am...staring yet once again at this blank page for the 20,000th time...today! As much as I hate to admit it...I have somewhat lost my touch...having abandoned this invaluable page that has been an outlet for all my thoughts and woes for quite sometime....

Many have personally queried of my MIA...and I have done my best to provide somewhat an acceptable, logical explanation...instead of a lengthy episode of how yours truly had to go through hell and back again in one piece...anyhow...It was like....how shall i put it..? "A tornado in a trailerpark..." :P It was an emotional rollercoaster ride..an unpleasant feeling that I would not have wished EVEN on an enemy...(well...I lied...MAYBE on an exceptionally annoyingly relentless enemy..XD)

My most current situation has been somewhat taken a positive turn...I think...I have rediscovered what Ashlee Simpson was singin bout (in that catchy single that made her stop lurking in the shadows of big sis,Jessica...)I would like to believe that it had inturn discovered me...in a form of a person who has TONNES of stuffs in common with me...causes my li'l heart to perform a flip or a sommersault voluntarily...but the downside is...geographical factor is in the way...(yes babe...before you ask...m talkin bout YOU...XD)

Although...my logical..overbearing, meticulous Virgo self has been attempting to put a halt to it...can I be blamed for lookin at the bigger picture...?for bein extra cautious..? after what I've been through...? But me...being a GURL...(as expected of me...:P) has been analyzing each minute detail under the microscopes of "finding faults"...(DAMN IT SARA! why cant you just be happy for once..??)

Anyways...as you can see...I'm havin a debate with my inner self...or maybe I'm just borderline split personality...(hmmm....whichever comes first..:P)OR...maybe I should blame it on lack of sleep and nourishment...?(and theres a story behind the not sleepin..or should I say, a RECORD...? wink! wink! Norm...) Nevertheless...I'm just gonna draw a few deep breaths...and not dwell on it too much...and just go with the flow...and hope beyond hope...that this PLEASANT feeling will last...:)

What I REALY want....

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin with u....
I think that all that stil matters
Is love ever after
after the life we've been through...
I know there's no life after you...

This bit of the Daughtry song probably sums up what I basically want and need in my life...although it may sound as naive as a beauty queen's plight for "world peace"....but it IS what I've finally come to terms with...and most IMPORTANTLY...have FINALLY have the guts to acknowledge and take action on.....another person's wrong...might just be my right...and vice versa....you cant please everybody....

And I'm very proud to say....no matter what the outcome would be....it is solely the decision that I made and I'm sticking to it....I have never felt SO sure about anything as I do now...It has NEVER been my intention to traipse on anybody's feelings or to get mine trampled on in the process....but...its what needs to be done....and at 36....I'm not planning to wait another 10yrs to do so....God knows I've wasted a lot of time as it is....

Like you said Alex sweetie...."tua kerepot.." remmber? n yessss....I simpan dalam hati....ahaks...hugzzzz

Roasted Chicken....you'll always have me no matter what....n I KNOW I can always count on you minahh...muah2...

Lola....what can I say....your plight for happiness...is NOW also mine sista....;)

Zaza....although your definition of happiness is SLIGHTLY different than mine....in terms of guys n stuff...(as you've pointed out to me so colorfully...:P ) but we're gettin' there babe....

Quai Loh....Ric....U guys have been awesome....hugzzz

Nilly.....(I've saved the best for last..) I meant EVERY word I've said....and all this waiting is killin' me.....u have NO idea....pleeeeeez haulass....:P muah2....

AS I'm writing this...I am engulfed by so much frustration...

#1...this afternoon....I had unintentionally offended someone.....didnt realize it till it was a li'l too late....but the truth is....no matter how much I wanna relate to some people....I would somehow go on a self-destruct mode....this would have a 2-in-1 effect.....as it goes on simultaneously with the 'defense mechanism'.....and they are both on auto pilot....and once in gear.....can never be turned off...

#2...I've learned something disturbing bout people I consider family.....and as of now....m having TRUST issues....and all of a sudden...I'm taken back to the evening where my grandfather lay bedridden for the longest three months...and what he had said to me...just before he lapsed into comatose the very next day....he said,
"Remember this always.....you can NEVER trust anyone, except for yourself....coz only you would know what's in your heart.."

Of course...I was barely 12 by then...and was rather puzzled by the statement he made....but I love him to death...and had always considered it as a ramblings of a dying man....until now that is....

#3...IF YOU TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE....
No matter how much you try to explain how it feels like to be in your miserable pathetic shoes...people would always have difficulties in understanding it....or just come to terms with it....they would just rather deal with something they can see....something superficial...rather than...what has been brewing underneath all the show and dance....what is actually REAL....so my advice is....IF you're NOT in the situation....DONT even bother to try to comprehend...or even TRY to lend a hand....you might end up causing MORE misery n MORE ripples....

Matters of the HEART....

How do you mend a broken heart....? I mean....You can put antiseptic on a cut or bruise....fix a leg or arm thats broken....but when it comes to that particular internal organ....regardless what you do..or how you do it..If it wants to remain miserably hurt...that's exactly what its gonna determine to do....
The heart aches because of a variety of reasons....ranging from death...failure in somethin'...(my apologies for sounding almost like the Discovery Channel..:P)being hurt,betrayed or neglected by others you care about...I personally think that's THE worse sort of pain any human being can inflict on another fellow human.

Speaking of which....just last weekend I had a couple of my girlfrens over....who...coincidently...are trying to mend their broken hearts...and yes...in case you're wonderin'....their hearts were chewed and spat out by morons who doesnt know the difference between a hot babe and a REAL hot babe (you know...the ones who come as a package...smart,funny,kindhearted and pretty - amongst others)So...we had fun....after all...yours truly IS 'D hostess with the mostest' wink! But....on our little excursion or so called roadtrip...there were some drama here and there...I spent half of the time dozing off on the way to the border! XD

But you know what's even worse then getting your heartbroken...? Realizing that over time....you've allowed a huge gaping hole to replace the spot where your heart used to beat...The hollow feeling is indescribable....here you are...kickin' n breathin'...but....you're just merely floatin' on by carrying out your mundane social obligations or routines...The saddest thing that could ever happen to anyone is...being too acclimatized to the condition....that he or she's not even aware of it...UNTIL....matters of the heart come tugging again...and you are clueless on how to react... I'd like to share what 1 of my BFF's valentine's Day card read for me....

"May all that you want come true. Life is what you dictate. Sometimes even if it doesnt be what you wish it to be, have no fear. God is always with those who are true to Him. Please stay strong and wonderful. Don't let anybody put you down coz they are definitely not worth it."

You'll Be missed.....

I'm writing this cause I miss someone....a GREAT deal....as corny as it may sound..he was my oak....he was my pillar of strength....my confidante....and he was....most importantly...MY FRIEND.....
Sure...I was pissed off when I was D last person to learn of his terminal condition...but I gotta admit.....judging by the way I reacted....who could have blamed him..?? Especially when I thought of what great lenghths he took on HOW to actually break the bad news to me....
There's NO two way about it...the only description that fits him perfectly is....A BEAUTIFUL SOUL...even more beautiful now in his passing...wish I had more time..to be with him...to hold his hand....:( In all those years of knowin' him....he was like the brother I never had...we even shared the 'dirt'....and his parents and sister are the coolest...love you guys....hugzzz
A few months back...when I was made aware of his condition...I had learned sumtin which troubled me...(courtesy of his mom...he never breathed a word bout it...especially to me..)he had collapsed at work...so when I saw him...he was actually on bedrest....he was his usual cheeky complacent self, nevertheless...His mom was taking it rather badly...as I was leavin'...his mom grabbed me n hugged me ever so tightly...n whispered(between her sobs)sumtin which I wish she hadnt....
"You are his best gurl..." and I was like...
"But aunty....we were never an item..." and she looked at me in the eyes and said...
"I know my son...and I know his every thought and feelings..."
I felt so numb....and I cried the entire time on the flight home....till the dude next to me freaked out and called the stewardess....
We were all well aware that his chances were minutely slim....but we hoped....at least...I did....guess that's why I'm still in denial....His last words for me that he had relayed through his sis...I would cherish as long as I'm with the living...
" Live your life...Be fearless...n I love u...."
"Love you too, Ed...." :)